Letters to... me

So, my pastor and good friend Winn Collier wrote a book, Let God: The Transforming Wisdom of François Fénelon. What I didn't realize at first was that he wrote it for me. Well, maybe not just for me. As I've been navigating an all too dark time in my life, I've been surprised at times to find that the feelings I'm going through are not as unique as I would like to think. Words that have been spoken in church and words I have read in print have confirmed that the road I am walking has been trod before. As 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." So there is hope!

The book is made up primarily of a series of letters by François Fénelon, a French Roman Catholic theologian and writer of the late 17th and early 18th centuries, that have been updated by Winn for our modern culture, so the words that stir me have roots that go back over 300 years. It seems like every letter has had words I needed to hear, but one struck at my core. It is titled (by Winn) To a Religious God-resister. This phrase sticks with me, haunts me even: "How can you pray for God's grace when you attach demands that grace can only come if it makes you look good?"

I think this sums up much of struggling of the past few years. I want God to place me in an honest community of believers - as long as I can still hide the parts of myself I don't want anyone to see. I want God to reveal to me my true self - as long as that self is admirable to all those around me. I want God to show me where he wants me to serve - as long as that service lifts me high in the eyes of others. I want to die to my old self - as long as it doesn't hurt. I want the new life God offers - as long as I'm still in control.

It doesn't work like this. I can't have it both ways. I know that in my head. I know that in the deepest parts of my heart. But still I hold on. Why? Sin. Human nature. Whatever the reason,  it's not working out so well for me.

Winn's book promises to continue to have words I need to hear. The next two letters are To a Confused Listener and To a Friend Desiring to Know the Future. Pray that I will be able to listen, and accept the grace God offers no matter what package it comes in.

Budget

So, Liz and I are working on setting up a budget and I downloaded a piece of software called Moneywell to make that process a little easier. It basically facilitates the "envelope method" of budgeting, and does a darn good job at it. A lot of financial software just lets you keep track of where things went, this one actually encourages you to figure out where it's going to go. Anyway, I just built a projected spending plan based on our last month's actual spending (yay for being able to download transactions from our bank!) and some of the categories made me squirm. I'm glad we're looking at this.

Preview

In order to provide some accountability (and a list I can refer to), here is a brief list of things I have in mind to talk about in this space in the next few days:

• My response to the DCF Maundy Thursday service. Especially the words, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" and "Father, into thy hands I commit my spirit."
• The encouragement that comes from the commonness of the Christian experience. There's nothing like picking up a book and being convinced that the contents were written to YOU. Also, the awesomeness of my friend Winn Collier and his latest book.
• Hobbies versus careers, and how the two can get mixed up.

Actually, I'll tackle that last one right now. As much as I like taking pictures, I've long been hesitant to try to turn photography into a career for fear that I would stop enjoying it. I have no doubt that things are different when you have to get the shot whether you are feeling creative or not. I tend to allow pressure to squeeze the joy from things, and I don't want to let that happen with something that I love.

Somehow I never connected that writing software might be the same situation for me. Some days / weeks / whatever I really like writing software. But trying to sit in front of a computer and churn out code day in and day out can be really discouraging for me. If I change careers, it wouldn't mean I can't write software. It would just mean I wouldn't have to do it every day. I could write software for fun! That would, of course, involve embracing the geeky of myself instead of trying to avoid it for the sake of an image.

Pokémon Jesus

"Jesus, I choose you!"

That phrase ran through my head this morning as I was getting ready. I was thinking about some of my words from yesterday, and wondering what it meant to choose Jesus today. The phrase reminded me of Pokémon, and that actually provided some good food for thought.

Pokémon, if you don't already know, is a hugely popular video game / card game / television series / lunchbox franchise that involves a bunch of little monsters that do battle with one another. (The most recognizable of these is Pikachu.) "Pokémon trainers" travel around a region and try to collect all of the monsters in that area. If they see one, they can throw a seemingly magical little ball at it and capture it. Later, they can call upon the Pokémon to do battle by throwing down the ball, usually with the catchphrase, ", I choose you!" When the battle is over, the Pokémon goes back into it's ball to await the next time the trainer calls upon it. *

Unfortunately, the similarities between Pokémon and how I treat Jesus extend beyond a catch phrase. Too often, I treat Jesus like a pet that I have mastered. I want to pull him out to fight my battles for me and put him back in his little ball, conveniently out of the way, when I'm done with him. Putting these words down, even if they are true, is painful. It's such an obviously insulting way of treating the Lord of all creation. (Part of me wanted to say "Master of the universe", but I figure there are enough animated references in this post already.)

I do want to choose Jesus. But it's good to remember that the choosing is not on my terms. I can't pull him out when I want and tuck him away when it's inconvenient. Choosing means choosing to submit, choosing to obey, choosing to die, choosing to be born again on His terms. If I'm not making that kind of choice, I'm not really choosing him at all.

* Disclaimer: I've seen, but never played the card game. I've probably played a total of 5 minutes of the video game. I may have seen one episode of the cartoon when I was in college. I DID play a lot of Super Smash Brothers, which has a few Pokémon in it but none of the traditional elements of the show. I don't really know how I know this much about Pokémon, except that Wikipedia helps. Also, I have way too much fun typing accents over letters.

Life, interrupted

Sometimes life takes unexpected twists and turns, and sometimes it just seem to derail for a while. In the last month I've 

• been sick, 
• moved from Greenville to Central, 
• been on the phone with my dad when he was having a heart attack, 
• come down to Alabama to help out while he recovers from triple bypass surgery (recovery is going well!), 
• and seen my wife accepted to seminary (yay!), 
• which means another move is in the works and I need to figure out what I'm going to do when we get there. (Not unexpected, but still...)

All of this has left me a wee bit more stressed out than normal.

I find myself tempted (and often succumbing to temptation) to just sort of zone out instead of dealing with the stress. It's all too easy to do since I'm in Alabama and apart from the community that normally holds me accountable. That's not to say I've felt completely separated from them. My friends have all been AWESOME about calling or emailing so that I know they care, and Liz came down to visit for a weekend. But I still have way too much time to kill by myself in the evenings.

When it comes down to it, I'm struggling with all the same things I would if I were in South Carolina. I wish those struggles would just end. But Liz reminded me the other day that I have to choose to fight each day. I have to choose Jesus each day. Some days it's hard... I just feel defeated. But I know that's not the reality. I may have to fight these battles, but I don't need to be a slave to them. Because of Jesus, I can have victory.

I think it helps just to proclaim that. To speak truth, even into the ether of the internet, holds some power. Now I just need to live it.