Whistling in the Dark

Breathtaking

2010-07-10T18:16:00.001-06:00

Breathtaking, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

I Love Her

2010-07-03T12:12:00.002-06:00

Beware proud rose,
Thy beauty does not last!
The weight of time
Will bend thy haughty neck
And petals once aflame with glory
Shall fade and lightly fall.

Not so my Liz!
Though the hand I love to hold
May one day slip my feeble grasp
And alabaster skin
May lose its brilliant luster
Still I will proclaim her beauty.

For though her features, radiant,
Outshine any rose:
A graceful neck to make a sculptor weep,
Hair that shines like copper in the sun,
Lips that tempt me with a stolen kiss;

When I gaze into her jeweled eyes
And see beyond
The heart that lies within
I know beauty certain to endure
The cold, hard stare of Time
And even Death.

So weep, poor rose,
That you cannot know
The fullness of my lover's beauty;
Brilliant image of our God eternal
Manifest before me every day
In this woman given me to cherish.

Aspen Grove

2010-05-29T18:08:00.001-06:00

Aspen Grove, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Rain in the Distance

2010-05-18T01:09:00.001-06:00

Rain in the Distance, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Sorry for the very long absence - I basically went underground for the last half of this semester. I used my freedom today to go on a meandering bike ride with my camera in tow. This was one of the views I came across.

Student Savings

2010-02-20T14:43:00.003-07:00

How does a family with two graduate students and one part-time job make ends meet? The short answer is that we don't... we've had to draw upon our savings to make sure that all the bills get paid. However, recently we've been looking at strategies to save a bit more money. Since we're both really busy, methods that take a whole lot of time in order to save a few bucks are probably out, but here are some things we've started doing.

Visit the food pantry at our school and a local church to supplement our trips to the grocery store. Potential savings: $15-20 a week.
Change our shared cell phone minutes from 700 to 550 a month, which is about what we use anyway. Also apply for a student discount with the cell phone company. Savings: ~$20 a month
Reduce our out-to-eat budget from about 15 dollars a week to about 5 and only go out once every couple of weeks. When we do go out, split portions at restaurants. Savings: ~$10 a week
Camp out at Chick-fil-a openings so we can get free coupons that allow us to go to CFA whenever we want. (This helps make up for having such a small out-to-eat budget.) Savings: ~$500 a year
Reduce the insurance on our 13 year old car to the minimum that we need to have. Potential savings: ~$30 a month
Resume closely tracking our spending and reconciling it with our budget. This is probably the biggest thing we can do - with the stress of school and the sense of futility trying to make our income match our expenses, we gave this up for a while. We've started again, though. Potential savings: $???.??

Any other good ideas?

Who is the Church?

2009-11-02T17:38:00.001-07:00

Anybody who tells you that love is easy has probably never really loved. Relationships never quite go the way we expect. Loving makes us vulnerable, opens us to hurt, reveals our areas of weakness. So it is with other people, and so it is with the church.

The next part of this story is about my development as a leader and my perspective on the church that came out of that process. It is also about the fruit of what may be the most dangerous prayer I have ever prayed: I asked God to make me humble. Let anyone who fears that God does not answer prayer take notice of my life: when we ask God to move in ways that are according to His will, there are radical results. But what comes of those prayers are not always what we expect.

About a year and a half after I became involved with house churches in DCF, I decided to start a new house church in my home. It seemed like a logical step - the house church I was part of had begun meeting in smaller groups several times a month, and I was already leading one of those groups in my home. After a period of consideration and preparation, that small group decided to officially become our own house church.

I honestly can't remember a lot of the details of that time, but there are a number of impressions that have remained with me. I can remember the sense of insufficiency that I felt. I can remember the struggles I had with adequately preparing each week. I can remember all of these shortcoming being covered up by God's love within the group, especially as it was lived out by one particular person. I saw firsthand how the gift of love is greater than any number of other gifts that we might bring to a community.

Life is ever changing, and the individual that so embodied God's love within our group had to move away. When she left, there was a tremendous vacuum. While she had never been officially named a "leader," she certainly brought gifts that I did not have. In many ways she was the glue that held our group together. After her departure, a burden fell upon my shoulders that I could not bear. Because I couldn't find anyone else to take her place, the group eventually folded back into the larger house church.

I don't know if I recognized it at the time, but I think I was pretty shaken by this experience. The pride that I had begun to feel in myself and my abilities as a leader came crashing down, and that was a painful, painful process. But I wouldn't trade this time for anything. My trust in myself was shaken, but my love for the church became even more deeply rooted. Looking back, a lot of my beliefs about the church are founded on what I experienced during this time.

My ecclesiology was forever shaped by the recognition that a member of our group embodied God's love particularly well. While all of us are called to allow love to permeate everything we do, there are those for whom it is a particularly dominating theme. At the same time, I looked around and saw others who made visible God's grace or God's truth. This changed my view of spiritual gifts - I believe that they are not merely things we do, but also who we are. When the people of God gather together, we more adequately reflect the nature of God than any of us can do while apart. This is for our own benefit; it allows us to understand and worship God more completely. It is also for the benefit of the world. The Church should be the most visible representation of God on Earth.

Now hear me carefully - this is not a disguised pantheism or a veiled attempt to say that we are God or gods. It is the Holy Spirit dwelling within us that allows us to reflect God's character. Nor are we a perfect picture of who He is. I believe there are aspects of God that can never be reflected or comprehended by humankind. But the Bible talks of Christ as the head of the Church, and even uses the marriage language of Christ being united with the Church as one flesh. Throughout the gospels, the activity of Christ is constantly pointing to who He is. (For instance, in Mark 1 the exorcisms and healings of Christ point to His true authority and status as the unique Son of God.) So it is with the Church. The activity - the visible expression of spiritual gifts - is pointing to a deeper truth about who we are.

In my mind, this changes everything. It changes the nature of our meetings, because each person must use their gifts to reflect who God has already made them to be. It changes how we lead - no one man or woman can adequately express the full character of God, nor should any leader seek to force everyone under their care to be exactly like his or herself. It changes how we worship. We must carry with us the humble recognition that we need the Church to come to the fullest possible understanding of who God is. It changes our vision of the future. When we imagine people from every tribe, tongue, and nation gathered before the throne of God in worship, we acknowledge that God's purpose for the Church will not be realized until every man and woman He has called is among that assembly.

I don't think this idea stops at the local level, either. When we look at the various communities of God's people gathered throughout the nation and the globe, each one has a unique character. If what I believe is true, then it is only by looking at the gathering of God's people across the globe and throughout history that we see the fullest picture of who the Church is supposed to be.

One important caveat comes with this perspective. Just because I emphasize a particular aspect of God's character when I am living out of who I am does not mean that I am off the hook in other areas of my life. Every person is still called to love. Every person is still called to be truthful. Every person is still called to live a life of justice. But if a distinct emphasis emerges, that's okay. I can live true to that, and still recognize the value of those who are different than myself but still true to who God has called them to be.

I had intended to continue to talk about the consequences of my prayer for humility and what that has meant for my life in particular, but this post is long enough as it is. The rest of the story shall wait for the next entry. In the meantime, I'd love to hear what you think about what I've written here. I'm just beginning to commit these ideas to writing, and I'm sure there are places I have not expressed what I am thinking well. It is likely, too, that there are holes in my theology that haven't come immediately to mind. Please, share your thoughts - part of the reason for putting this in writing is the opportunity to refine what I believe and how I present it.

Snowy Sunset

2009-10-31T00:07:00.002-06:00

Snowy Sunset, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Worth Getting Up For

2009-10-26T09:32:00.004-06:00

The morning sun works to free
Blades of grass from their icy prison.
Made captive overnight,
Now they wait for freedom
And one last chance
For adding brilliant green
To a landscape filled with blood-red leaves
That mark the coming winter.

A witness to this struggle,
My awe hangs in the air
Frozen, like my breath
By the beauty that surrounds me.

Falling in love

2009-10-13T22:59:00.001-06:00

Picture, if you will, a small warehouse next to the highway in a little South Carolina town. A swing hangs from the big oak near the front door, and a large grassy hill sits behind it and patiently holds back the local lake. Inside, the warehouse holds, not stacks of boxes or reams of paper, but rows of brown-painted folding metal chairs. A few dozen people are gathered expectantly. Something is about to happen. Change is in the air.

On that late summer evening in 2002, the elders of Downtown Community Fellowship, a small church predominantly made up of college students that met in a warehouse across the highway from the local university campus, announced the end of the church's popular night service. Instead, DCF was being re-imagined as a "church of house churches." It was a bold move, a decision arrived at only after much prayer, and it changed my life.

I can remember the excitement I felt as the elders explained their vision. As soon as they were done sharing, I approached one of the elders, Chad Clarkson, and asked how I could be involved. Very soon, I was attending one of the newly formed house churches that met in his home. That fall, my senior year in college, was incredible. I learned firsthand about the transformative power of community, the joy of sharing life with my brothers and sisters in Christ, and the beauty of individuals using their unique gifts for the benefit of the Body. Like a young man who suddenly realizes that the girl he has grown up with all his life is now (and has really always been) a stunning beauty, I fell in love with the Church.

As a natural outpouring of that love, I began to serve my house church and the DCF body in any way I could. That eventually drew the attention of the elders and deacons, and sometime toward the end of the next spring I was invited to join the deacons as an "official" servant of the church. The only problem: I was about to graduate, and I had no intention of staying in Clemson, SC. But true love (and a complete lack of interesting jobs) can lead to some crazy decisions, and I decided to accept a research assistantship at Clemson and stick around for another two years.

Once again, this was a decision that would change my life. It was during this time that I took my first steps as a leader in the church. My ideas on leadership come primarily from the successes and failures that I and those around me experienced. My theology, too, was formed in the midst of community. Any knowledge I gained from books or scripture was filtered through the church that surrounded me.

This story only sets the stage for what is to come, but it is still important. The "big" ideas that I will expound on later make the most sense when placed in their proper context. Most importantly, as I begin to speak of the Church you must always remember that I love her. I don't just love the idea of the Church or who she could become; I love her now, despite her shortcomings. I love her dearly, deeply, and with all my heart.

First Snow

2009-10-11T09:39:00.002-06:00

First Snow, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Seeds

2009-10-09T18:12:00.001-06:00

On Thursday morning, I sat across from my mentor, Tom, in a small café near downtown Littleton. Part of Denver Seminary's curriculum involves a mentoring component, and each semester we write "learning contracts," a self-authored syllabus that focuses on a single character trait and/or skill. This fall I'm supposed to be working on living out an attitude of thanksgiving and doing a better job at managing my finances, but spiritual development rarely fits into nice little boxes. Consequently, our conversations often range across a wide range of topics. It helps that I'm quite a talker, especially after a couple cups of coffee.

This morning was no different. As is pretty customary after a caffeine kickstart, the conversation wandered towards my favorite topic, the Church. It was a pretty fitting topic for a mentoring conversation, since one of the things I've been working out is who I am as a leader and how that fits into my picture of the Church. Some pieces are finally starting to slide in place, and the way I've regarded the church in the last few years is starting to have a real impact on my development as a leader.

Midway through our conversation, Tom stopped me with a question.

"Have you written this down?"

"Well, no."

Bits and pieces of my thoughts have made it into papers, and I'm sure some has snuck out on this blog. But most of my ideas have simply been shared in conversation with friends. The spoken word provides rich soil for ideas to grow, but eventually it's probably a good idea to transplant them into the written word. Different environments allow for different kinds of growth.

So, over the next few days/weeks/unspecified period of time, I'm going to be sharing my ideas on leadership and the Church. But I'm going to start with a story. My story.

Life and Death

2009-09-24T22:43:00.001-06:00

Life and Death, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Misty Morning

2009-09-07T18:00:00.001-06:00

Misty Morning, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

I love mornings when I'm camping - it just feel right to get up and wander off for some quiet time with God. Of course, I also brought my camera...

Feeling Corny

2009-08-06T18:26:00.001-06:00

Feeling Corny, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

I couldn't resist stopping in the middle of preparing dinner to snap this photo a couple weeks ago.

Worth the Risk

2009-07-18T09:49:00.003-06:00

"The risk [of being honest] was great; but we could not let him continue this way, since at stake was a literary future in which we had absolute faith."
- Maxime du Camp regarding Gustave Flaubert's* first attempt at a novel

This sentiment (minus the literary aspect) should undergird our every conversation. As each person is made in the image of God, too much is at stake to allow our friends (or those under our pastoral care) to live lives that are unbecoming to who they really are.

*Flaubert was the author of Madame Bovary, a highly influential work in the history of fiction.

Little Church #1

2009-07-16T20:40:00.001-06:00

Little Church #1, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Liz has shared a few pictures that show a typical Sunday afternoon with "Fishes 'N Loaves" - here's one that captures a bit of the spirit of our Saturday night Little Church gatherings.

A View From the Top

2009-07-07T23:33:00.001-06:00

A View From the Top, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Actually, I'm just going to post the color version, too. I waffled for a while, but I think I like it better. I'll let you decide.

A View From The Top (B&W)

2009-07-07T21:40:00.002-06:00

A View From The Top (B&W), originally uploaded by Jeromie.

This is what it looks like to look down on a mountain range.

(View the color version here.)

Balancing Act

2009-07-07T00:43:00.002-06:00

Balancing Act, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

This is my brother. Is anyone surprised?

Resting in the Clouds

2009-07-04T12:14:00.002-06:00

Resting in the Clouds, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

How Nebraska Should Be Seen

2009-07-03T22:15:00.002-06:00

How Nebraska Should Be Seen, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

While visiting my grandparents last week, Liz and I took his 1960s Cadillac out for a spin. I promise I didn't try to look through the viewfinder while I took this shot.

Climbing Mountains

2009-06-22T13:16:00.002-06:00

Long's Peak from Chasm Lake, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Liz and I hiked up to Chasm Lake about a week ago, and it was amazing. When my brother comes up in a few weeks, we hope to tackle that massive summit looming in the distance.

Catching my thoughts

2009-04-16T20:07:00.002-06:00

While sitting in little church about two weeks ago, I found it hard to gather my thoughts. I tried to capture what was going on in my journal, and this is what came out.* The ending took me by surprise: it wasn't what I had in mind when I started writing, but it's what I saw as I played the scene in my mind's eye.

That thought.
The important one.
I just saw it.
But it disappeared into the crowd,
Moving among its brethren
Like a man who stepped out
Onto a busy sidewalk.

Every once in a while I see its head
Bob up from among the masses.
Or do I?
I can't really be sure.
Escape into the crowd
Is such a clever ploy.
I know it's there
But I can't catch it.

But then it stops.
It has caught sight of someone,
Or someone has caught sight of it.
It cannot run from that gaze,
But I cannot yet see the one
Who stopped it in its tracks.
But the crowd parts,
And now I know.

Who can hide from that fearful eye?
Who can stand before the King?
His eyes somehow melt the thought,
All the thoughts,
Until they vanish,
And it is me He is looking at.
No one can hide from that gaze.
I cannot hide from that gaze.

It is not the thought that was hiding from me.
I was hiding from You.
Forgive me, my God and king.
Forgive me.

* I added punctuation and made one minor edit, but this is basically what it looked like in my journal.

Breaking the silence (again)

2009-04-16T17:53:00.004-06:00

While doing some research for a church history paper, I ran across this quote from Chêng Ching-yi, a Chinese delegate to the 1910 World Missionary Conference in Edinburgh, Scotland:

You have sent us missionaries who gave us the knowledge of Jesus Christ, and for this we are profoundly grateful to you. But you have also brought us your divisions. We ask you, therefore, to preach only the Gospel to us and to allow Jesus Christ himself to raise up among our peoples, through the action of his Spirit, the Church that meets his norms and that is also in keeping with the character of our race: a Church that will be the Church of Christ in Japan, the Church of Christ in China, in India, and so on. But delivers from all the 'isms' which you attach to the preaching of the Gospel among us.

Wise words.

Paying attention

2009-02-18T21:04:00.002-07:00

This is what happens when I'm taking notes on my computer and don't have margins to doodle in:


 \|/                                                     
– O –                           \/              \/        
 /|\                                  \/                 
                                                         
      /\    /\           /\    /\           /\    /\     
     /  \  /\/\         /  \  /\/\         /  \  /\/\    
    /\/\/\/    \       /\/\/\/    \       /\/\/\/    \     
   /      \     \     /      \     \     /      \     \    
  /        \     \   /        \     \   /        \     \   
 /          \     \ /          \     \ /          \     \  
/            \     /            \   / /            \     \
                                   /  |                   
                                   |   \                  
                                    \    \                
          O                         /     |               
         \|/                       /     /       O        
                        O         |      \      \|/       
                       \|/         \       \              
                                    \        \

Psalm 131

2009-02-18T16:14:00.002-07:00

My heart is not proud, Lord,
my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me

But I have calmed myself
and quieted my ambitions

I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content

Israel, put your hope in the Lord
both now and forevermore.

Walk into the light

2009-01-11T13:53:00.004-07:00

I didn't want to go to little church last night. The last week has been a real struggle, and I felt cocooned in sin and darkness. I felt like I had nothing to give and I wasn't prepared to receive anything from others. Fortunately, I went anyway.

After the meal we shared together, we gathered in the Buck's living room for a time of fellowship. There is no particular agenda for our gatherings: this time we opened with a reading from the Divine Hours, a few brief prayers, and a reading from the Psalms. Each of these had something to speak to me, but last night I was ministered to most by the silence the followed. Some nights at little church are quite lively, but last night we sat (or lay / kneeled / writhed in my case) in silence for over an hour. It was just what I needed.

Even before the quiet settled upon the room, my mind was filled with images of light and dark. The sun shining into the far reaches of space, illuminating one half of each planet while leaving the other covered in darkness. A candle sitting in a room or hallway, its light reaching out only so far. In each image, I stood at the border between light and darkness, afraid to step into the light.

These images competed for space in my mind with a desire to truly repent. A desire to walk away from all the crap in my life. I was tired of half repentance that only left my sin behind for a brief season. I wanted to be made new. I wanted to die and be born again. The question that bubbled up was, "How do I die?"

And then it hit me: I walk into the light. My intuition was correct: the light would destroy me. I could not step into God's presence without being unmade. I needed to bring all of me - all that is good, all that is bad, into the presence of the Father. The great hope that I held is that, because I know Jesus, my undoing would not be the end of me. Instead it would be the beginning of the new me.

So that's what I tried to do. I offered all of myself to God. The phrase seems like a Christian cliché, but I hope it is the truth. The undoing He brings is my only hope.

This morning at Wellspring, the following verses were part of the scripture reading for today. They seemed appropriate.

Isaiah 60:1-2

1 "Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you. 2 See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the LORD rises upon you and his glory appears over you.

Burning Brightly

2009-01-11T00:30:00.001-07:00

Burning Brightly, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

A Christmas Playlist

2008-12-25T22:10:00.002-07:00

I put together a short mix CD for my brother-in-law for Christmas, and in true Jeromie fashion I included an explanation for each of my choices. The list ended up working out really well together, so I thought I'd share it with the world.

The Trumpet Child - Over the Rhine

Since it's a Christmas CD, I may as well include one "Christmas song." That's a little bit of a loose description for this song, though it was introduced to Liz and I last Christmas at our church in Clemson. Performed live, it was breathtaking. It's still pretty powerful on the recording.

Hymn #101 - Joe Pug

A friend told me about this song, and after listening to it for a while Liz and I were intrigued enough to download the album. The lyrics are really interesting - I can't quite be sure what they mean, but they provide a lot of food for thought.

Take Me Home - Dave Smith

This one made the list mostly by way of personal attachment. It's a cover of an old Genesis song done by a good friend of mine from Clemson. He gave us a copy of his (not released) CD right before we left Clemson, and this is what was playing when Liz and I rolled into Colorado. While I know I"m biased, I still think it's a really good song, so I wanted to share it.

John Saw That Number - Neko Case

This one came off a Paste CD sampler Liz brought home from work. It's just fun.

Sometimes - Punch Brothers

The Punch Brothers are awesome. They're lead by Chris Thile, the one time mandolin player for Nickel Creek. They all played together under the name of the How to Grow a Band and produced a bluegrass album a couple years ago. Their latest effort is quite different. It is dominated by a 40 minute through composed piece that takes place in 4 movements, a largely classical style with bluegrass instrumentation and voice. That would be a bit much to include on a sample CD, so I threw in what I consider the most representative track on the album. They mix it up with some other interesting tunes, though.

Rains in Asia - Jump, Little Children

Between the Dim & the Dark, the album this song comes from, ranks as one of my top albums of all time. The songs are not at their best out of context (sorry), but there isn't a bad song in the set and the way they work together is sublime.

Quiet - This Will Destroy You

This one is classified as "post-rock," a genre I didn't know existed until very recently. It's the perfect music for studying or working. There are no lyrics to distract, and the melodies and rhythms just seem to motivate you to get something done.

Telling a good story

2008-12-06T10:16:00.000-07:00

There have been a number of time I have felt that God has called me to be a storyteller. I got a glimpse of what that might look like in my life at "little church" the other night. Passionately telling God's story is a beautiful, powerful act.

No person in my life has shown me the power of telling a good story like Winn Collier. I had the good fortune to know him as pastor, mentor, and friend in the six years we shared at Downtown Community Fellowship in Clemson, SC, and his storytelling is one of the things that will stick with me for the rest of my life. It's not simply that Winn is good at crafting words (though he is), it's that he makes me certain that the story he is telling is bigger than he is, bigger than I am, bigger than anything in this world. The stories that Winn tells are part of the gospel, the story of God and our hope.

Winn is an author as well as a pastor, and he has poured his heart into his latest book, Holy Curiosity. I've only read a small portion of the book so far - I'm waiting until after my finals this week so that I can savor it - but prior experience with Winn's writing has shown it to be full of honest wrestling and beautiful truth. I'd encourage you to check out his book (and let me know what you thnk). And for a limited time you may be able to score a free copy: my friend Juli Kalbaugh is giving away a copy of the book on her blog. Just hop over and leave a comment! Trust me, it's worth your time.

Me, a missionary?

2008-11-20T10:14:00.001-07:00

I went to a talk at lunch yesterday given by a new professor at Denver Seminary, Dr. Alex Mekonnen. From the description distributed in the campus newsletter, he seemed to have an interesting background, and I thought I might enjoy hearing him speak. Plus, there was free pizza.

The talk did turn out to be interesting. In fact, I learned about a new attribute of God that I hadn't considered before. Besides being holy, loving, infinite, omnipotent, and omniscient, I think God is also rather sneaky. Okay, that may not be a definitive characteristic of God, but I all too often miss the things that God is doing right under my nose.

The talk was put on the by missions society here at the seminary (though they didn't announce that before hand), and the topic was on a new missions curriculum that Dr. Mekonnen would like to put together. He envisions a program that is made up of classes in theology, anthropology, and missiology; a program that can create pastors with a heart for missions and missionaries with a heart for pastoring. Here's the sneaky part: I think God has been preparing me for just such a calling, and I didn't even know it.

For years, my greatest passion has been for the Church. How does our theology and our values influence the way our local church communities look? How do we balance the need to be connected to our local culture with the desire to be connected to the history and tradition of the church? How do we build churches that reflect the diversity of God's kingdom? How do we draw upon the strengths of various Christian communities across the globe to construct local communities that are more than a product of our culture? These are the kinds of questions that light a fire within me. What I didn't realize, or at least only sort of realized, is that all these questions are connected to the idea of missions.

Too often, we think of missions as an individual endeavor. There is certainly room for that: many of Paul's missionary journeys brought the gospel to places it had never taken root before. However, wherever the good news of Jesus took root a church was left behind, and it was this community, with all its shortcomings, that was expected to continue to transform the culture around it. Passion for the church is in many ways a passion for community based missions. Even the edification of those within the church should serve as a beacon to the world around us that there is something good here.

I believe that the church is the vehicle by which the "already" portion of God's kingdom is realized on earth, and if we are not bringing that reality into the world around us something is woefully wrong. From a purely sociological standpoint, organizations that do not continually reach out to and bring in new members are doomed to failure. If our churches are not doing missions work within their own communities, they will die. If I am to successfully lead a church at any level, I must consider the role that missions plays in that endeavor. God has planted within me the heart of a missionary, and I didn't even know it.

It's going to be interesting to see how this plays out over the next couple of years.

Breaking the silence

2008-11-04T10:49:00.002-07:00

I'm heading out to vote, but I thought I'd leave you with an amusing quote (completely out of context, of course) from Thomas Madden's The New Concise History of the Crusades. (6-8 page paper due tomorrow morning!)

They were also desirous of booty, which the New World had in abundance.

Another quick link

2008-10-06T18:40:00.002-06:00

This week marks the launch of the Vernon Grounds Institute for Public Ethics at Denver Seminary, and the president of Evangelicals for Social Action spoke at chapel today. He had some very thoughtful things to say about how Christians should go about engaging in politics. He refuses to endorse a particular candidate for president, but you can read his breakdown of the major candidates positions on important issues in this pdf, an excerpt from the ESA's bimonthly publication, PRISM.

Passion

2008-10-06T13:36:00.003-06:00

One of the blogs I read (or at least skim) regularly is Get Rich Slowly. Sometimes the stuff it talks about is helpful; sometimes it doesn't seem all that relevant to me. Today's entry, however, tackles a question that a lot of people my age ask: how do I identify my passions and turn that into a career. It's worth a read.

On Politics and Grace

2008-10-02T10:57:00.002-06:00

I, like many Americans, have been carefully following what's going on with the financial crisis and proposed bail out bill. I'm not an economic expert, but I think I grasp the basic principles behind what's going on. I have a number of concerns with the proposed bill. I fear a knee jerk reaction that centralizes power in the executive branch (this seems to be a common response to crisis in the current administration). I'm worried about the continued devaluation of the dollar as the government takes on more debt, and I'm worried that if the bill passes it will place a band-aid over our current problems without addressing the deeper problems in our economic situation.

Many people have argued about what the underlying causes of the economic crisis. I don't think the blame can be placed on any one group of people, but I do think the problems we're seeing now are symptoms of a more significant condition lying underneath the surface of our nation. It is much, much harder to identify and respond to these deeper problems, but I think it is vitally important that any proposed solution makes an attempt to treat the disease rather than just the symptoms.

And here is where what's going on at the national level ties into my own life. There have been some pretty ugly symptoms bubbling up to the surface of my life lately, and it's easy to just push them to the side or treat them on an individual basis. However, they're indicative of a deeper problem, and I have to address the real issues if I hope for any long term resolution. The problems that I see are, I believe, a form of God's grace. By creating me in such a way that problems with my heart will inevitably bubble up so that I can't ignore them, He has created a sort of self-correction mechanism in the very fabric of my being. If I could ignore my sin, I could continue on a path that leads me farther from the Creator for whom my soul truly longs. But I cannot, so I am constantly led back to Him.

If the problems in our nation are an act of grace, what are they calling us to? Certainly they put the lie to the notion that money is a good place to place our security. They show us the consequences of living unwisely, and the inevitable result of allowing greed to run amok. How can we, as a nation, address these issues? I think the primary result on a national level should be to ensure that we are good stewards with the resources we have been given. I honestly believe that wise investment of our money in the priorities of our nation will have a positive impact on the general health of the world around us AND our economic markets. My understanding of the bill presented to Congress doesn't indicate attention to any of these matters - it seems like an attempt to grasp more tightly to wealth that is already slipping through our fingers.

So, I shall pray for a heart that is open to what God is speaking to my own life, and I will pray that the leaders of our country will likewise seek after wisdom. May we see our current crises, whatever they are, as acts of grace, a chance to repent, and an opportunity to draw closer to God our father.

I lost my phone contacts!

2008-09-29T14:58:00.002-06:00

When trying to upgrade the software on our phones so we could actually make and receive calls near our house, Verizon bricked my phone. I lost all my contacts - if I know you, could you send me an email at jeromie at gmail dot com with your phone number? If I don't know you but I should, you can send me an email with your phone number and an introduction. :-)

(This was after the first store we went to sent us to another store across town because they knew their machines were breaking phones, by the way.)

Life in the city

2008-09-23T21:45:00.002-06:00

I've just had to come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to miss some really great concerts that come near me. I can't possibly afford to go see all the bands I like that come to town. I can't possibly see all the bands I like that are coming to town this week. Here's the lineup:

Wednesday: Counting Crows with Maroon Five

Thursday: Chris Thile and Edgar Meyer

Saturday: Sigur Ros (at Red Rocks!)

Assuming I can get tickets to even one of these, what's a guy to do?

My Grandpa

2008-09-22T14:06:00.003-06:00

Living in a dream

2008-09-20T17:37:00.004-06:00

If you know my wife at all, you will understand the ridiculousness of the fact that we are sitting in a small town high in the Rocky Mountains in a coffee / bicycle repair shop that has been converted from an old train. It's like some dream that she had unexpectedly turned into reality, and we found ourselves plopped down in the middle of it.

You can read her impressions at her blog.

Thank you

2008-09-19T22:51:00.003-06:00

Thank you to everyone who sent a note or left a message of encouragement for my birthday. It meant a lot to me. I had a great birthday (Liz managed to get a bunch of people together to hang out and play games.), but I miss you all dearly.

New Beginnings

2008-09-13T10:11:00.004-06:00

A lot has happened since my last real blog post. So much, really, that I don't know what to say.

I've visited family in Alabama, Texas, and Nebraska. I've relocated from South Carolina to Colorado. I've left behind some fantastic, deep friendships and begun forming new ones. I've started working on my M. Div at Denver Seminary. It's been a heck of a month.

It truly feels that God has prepared a place for Liz and I in Colorado. We love the nearness of the mountains. We love the home we're sharing with another couple. We love our classes. We love the church we've been attending. We love the people we've been meeting.

Not all things have been perfect, of course. But life is good.

I'm still alive

2008-09-10T23:12:00.000-06:00

But that's all I have time to say at the moment...

Answers and Questions

2008-08-03T00:57:00.000-06:00

As Juli figured out, the picture in the previous post is a reflection in the Kalbaugh's television. I like the picture, and it may become the first in a series of photographs. Televisions are featured prominently in most American homes (99% according to Wikipedia), and collectively we spend a massive number of hours in front of them. It could be really interesting to look at the average American home from the perspective of the television.

Now, onto the bigger question I raised in the last post. When should I take photographs? And, just as importantly, when should I not take photographs?

Last Sunday was a unique day at DCF. I sat in church, surrounded by my friends, knowing that it would be the last day of its kind. The Elmores set out toward Richmond on Monday, the Collier family left for Charlottesville on Thursday, the Kalbaughs were attending their last DCF service before leaving for Nashville, and Liz and I are leaving for Denver this week. It's the end of an era.

I sat near the front of the church. It was the second row of chairs, but there was nobody sitting in the front row. Winn and Miska were at my left, and Liz was at my right. Corey and Juli sat behind me, and others I love were scattered throughout the room. And my camera was sitting on the chair in front of me.

My camera has been coming everywhere with me recently. There are a lot of reasons for that - excitement about a new lens, a desire to capture as much of these last days in Clemson as I can, a project I was working on with some friends, and a tool to process the change swirling around me. So I had my camera with me as this morning washed over me in wave after wave.

There are two sources of power in a photograph. The appearance of the photograph - the geometry, the textures, the shadows - all of these can be arranged to say something regardless of the content of the image. But photography is also a moment frozen in time, and the moments we choose to capture can be powerful in themselves. Much of my development as a photographer is training myself to notice these moments and be prepared to capture them.

But last Sunday, I wasn't just a photographer. I was a man surrounded by his friends. I can experience an event while photographing it, but it's a different kind of experience. And that Sunday at DCF was one I wanted to experience as fully as possible. I had no desire to reach for my camera when Ed approached me, tears running down his face, to surround me in one of his giant hugs and offer me the peace of Christ. My camera wasn't missed as I walked between the chairs at DCF toward Amy, who offered me the cup that holds the blood of Christ without words because she couldn't speak. I didn't grasp for it as Winn read his letter of hope and benediction to our body. Some moments are better left as memories than as photographs.

But as we were worshiping together in song, I felt a stirring. I wanted to stand at the front and look upon my family, these people I have come to know and love. I wanted to remember their faces. I wanted to remember their hearts, their earnest worship. And I wasn't sure if I should grab my camera for that moment. Would taking a photograph be distancing myself from the moment, or would it be making myself a part of it?

I wrestled with that thought for several moments, and I decided that it came down to my motives for taking the picture. It would be wrong to inject my own voyeuristic impulses into a sacred moment. But God does call us to set up signposts to remember what He has done. And he calls us to work creatively as an act of worship. I took my camera and stepped to the front of the church.

It was beautiful to look upon the faces of the people I love, free in worship. This was a good thing, a thing brought about by God, and a thing we all should remember. I took a single photograph. I raised my camera to take another, and Liz raised her hand to say no, not now. She was right - the second photograph would have been too much. The second photograph would have been for the wrong reasons.

That's a rather long introduction to a rather simple photograph. But I need to remember why I took this photograph. I need to ask these questions every time I grab my camera. To God be the glory.

Hazy View

2008-07-31T21:27:00.002-06:00

Hazy View, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Props to whoever can guess (or deduce) how I made this image. A hint: contrast was boosted in post processing, but it's otherwise unaltered.

Coming soon: A deeper look into some of the philosophy of photography, including my answer to the question, "When should I take photographs?"

DCF Pond

2008-07-30T22:48:00.002-06:00

DCF Pond, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

I'm not committed to any particular project right now, but I want to get in the habit of making (and sharing) photographs on a regular basis. This is the only picture I took today, so it wasn't hard to choose one to post.

Photo of the Day

2008-07-28T19:26:00.002-06:00

Men at Work, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Burning Lamp Post #1

2008-07-26T20:56:00.002-06:00

Burning Lamp Post #1, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Sometimes I take a picture because it's something I just don't see every day.

Pause in the Action

2008-07-24T20:43:00.002-06:00

Pause in the Action, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

They Grow So Fast, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

I'm going to miss these boys. But they are going to take Charlottesville by storm.

Liz and the Argoflex

2008-07-20T20:16:00.002-06:00

Liz and the Argoflex, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Wheel in the Dark

2008-07-18T10:25:00.002-06:00

Wheel in the Dark, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Pillow talk

2008-07-17T07:11:00.002-06:00

I had a dream about Eskimos. They were rolling around on the bed making harpoon jokes.

-Liz

The Origin of Poems

2008-07-16T14:43:00.003-06:00

Sin Bucket, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

I've long found poetry a compelling way to express my feelings. I love prose, but when my heart is brimming with emotion verse often feels like a better conduit for releasing what is inside. I haven't written a lot (privately or publicly) of poetry, but I recognize it's power.

This latest round of verse had a definite beginning. Liz and I had a date weekend to celebrate our anniversary at the end of June. We went out to a nice restaurant we'd never been to before on Friday night and set Saturday aside for a day of fun. We went berry picking at a local u-pick berry farm, had a quiet lunch at a nice little café, trolled through a few antique stores for some interesting finds (we each brought home one item as an anniversary gift), and picked up some SweeTreats ice cream on the way home. (We got them to mix the berries we'd just picked into the ice cream. Delicious.)

Our time in the berry farm seemed ripe for poetry. The hot sun beating down on us, the feel of the plump berries under our fingers, and the sweet-or-tart taste of berries just plucked from the bushes all begged to be memorialized in verse. The entire experience was a feast for the senses, and I had the joy of sharing it with my best friend and beloved wife. Even a poem can't capture all the richness of the experience. But it's a start.

I walk with my beloved
along neat, orderly rows
where we press our hands
into wild, twisting branches
coming back with fresh scratches
and firm, black berries
that burst between white teeth
staining tongues purple.

Knots

2008-07-14T07:14:00.003-06:00

I did not know when I was young
and eager to learn to tie my shoes
that different knots would come, unbidden
to nestle between my shoulder blades
with no dangling ends to set them loose

Jockey Lot School Bus

2008-07-12T11:55:00.002-06:00

Jockey Lot School Bus, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

I went with Liz and Corey to pay one last visit to the Anderson Jockey Lot today. It was blazing hot, but we had a good time. Liz picked up a pair of old fashioned irons to use as book ends, and I nabbed a couple of three dollar CDs.

Last night I noticed myself being really negative, but I felt powerless to stop it. It's an ugly place to be in. As I sat and tried to contemplate what was going on before I went to bed, this is what came out:

thoughts race around my mind
like cars circling a city
busy, busy, busy
going nowhere
filling the air (and my mind)
with a noxious yellow cloud
that hides everything beautiful
beneath a layer of ugly grime

Anderson Jockey Lot

2008-07-11T13:58:00.002-06:00

A selection of items for sale from the Anderson Jockey Lot online vendor list:

Baby Products
Body Jewerly
Camo items
ChICKENS
Christian CDs
Cigerettes
Cleaning supplies
Elvis
Hair Pieces
John Deere
Knives Etc.
Mens Underwear
Pets
Purses, Metal
Wrestling action figures

The Terror!

2008-07-09T15:38:00.002-06:00

One of my favorite blogs is one I've discovered relatively recently, the Boston Globe's The Big Picture.

The eighth picture in today's post about anti terrorism exercises in China was hilarious.

Close call

2008-07-01T09:58:00.004-06:00

I was almost pulled into blogging about an Ann Coulter column that was linked to on a forum I've been frequenting lately, but then I took a deep breath, calmed down, and decided it wasn't at all worth it. Her columns are obviously designed to raise ire (and page views) by those who disagree with her. They do a good job of it, too. I doubt she even believes all of what she writes, though I could be wrong. I've been startled before at the reality of people I was sure existed only in stereotype.

Wordcloud

2008-06-23T14:16:00.003-06:00

I took a cue from Justin and put the text of all my blog entries into Wordle. Here's what came out:

The Resurrection of my blog

2008-06-21T06:36:00.003-06:00

Holy cow, it's been a long time since I posted. I should preface the rest of this post by noting that I've just finished Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright, and it was an absolutely fantastic book. I responded to it in a comment on Winn's blog. Perhaps I'll say more about it here in my next post.

Will pointed me to this video clip, an interview with N.T. Wright on the Colbert Report. It's not as funny as I would have thought, largely because Wright rolls with Colbert's humor and gets on with trying his best to sum up a 350 page book in 5 minutes. There are some funny moments, though - my favorite was when Wright (a bishop of the Anglican church) said he played golf with leaders of the Catholic church for a dogma a hole.

Without further ado, here's the video:

Day 22 - Dreaming of Tomorrow

2008-05-08T18:46:00.003-06:00

Day 22 - Dreaming of Tomorrow, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Day 21 - Big Kid

2008-05-08T08:19:00.001-06:00

Day 21 - Big Kid, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

I'm really just a big kid at heart.

Day 20 - Lacing up

2008-05-06T21:13:00.001-06:00

Day 20 - Lacing up, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Today's one mile time trial time: 6:35 (a new personal best)

Looking to the Future

2008-05-04T23:02:00.002-06:00

Day 17 - Misplaced Furniture, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Hazy Roads

2008-04-30T21:56:00.001-06:00

Hazy Roads, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

I was looking through some of my older pictures and came across one that seems like a snapshot of my life right now - I can see the road directly ahead of me, but I have no I idea what's around the corner. Honestly, I think that's better than having my life all planned out. If I knew everywhere this road was going, 1) I probably couldn't handle it and 2) I'd be wrong.

I think God likes to reveal things in pieces. Walking forward one step at a time is an exercise in faith.

There's a lot more to this, but I'm too tired to think of it.

Visual Whistling

2008-04-28T23:22:00.004-06:00

Day 12 - You Can Tell a Lot About a Man By His Shoes, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

This blog has essentially become a photoblog lately. I was putting some thought into how that tied into it's supposed theme (you can read what I was thinking when I renamed it "Whistling in the Dark" here ), and I actually think it fits pretty well. The creation and sharing of art is a declaration of my faith, of my search for the beautiful things in life, and of my willingness to reject the false identity I have built for myself and embrace the name that God has for me.

So, I'm going to keep on whistling with photographs.

In the Looking Glass

2008-04-26T22:08:00.001-06:00

In the Looking Glass, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

We'll see how I feel in the morning, but right now I'm REALLY happy with the way this one turned out.

Fading away

2008-04-25T21:42:00.002-06:00

Day 9 - Insubstantial (v2), originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Some days it feels like I'm out of touch with everything real. I want to put myself in situations where I'm immersed in life everyday. That's really the goal of my upcoming career change - to identify what makes me feel alive and surround myself with it. I think that doing so will be obedient to God, and I think it will be good for me, my wife, my friends, and the world. I can't wait.

(You can see a full color version of the photo in this post here, if you want to check it out.)

Chadwick the Orphan

2008-04-24T21:21:00.006-06:00

I have anxiously awaited this moment - Chadwick the Orphan is now available for your online viewing pleasure. Go check it out.

Here are some behind the scenes shots of the making of CtO:

Offerings

2008-04-23T17:25:00.002-06:00

Offerings, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Thanks for all the kind words about the last photograph I posted. Here's another one I took that morning that I really like.

The other night, Juli asked if I was going to post all of my self portraits. I don't plan on posting all of them here, but you can see them on my Flickr page. I've added a link to it over on the sidebar.

Or you can just click here.

Prayers of the saints

2008-04-21T21:08:00.002-06:00

DCF Gallery prayer space, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

Front Yard Flower #1

2008-04-20T14:42:00.002-06:00

Front Yard Flower #1, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

I found this flower growing in my front yard, planted by our landlord or a previous tenant.

Sometimes you don't have to go very far to see that God is doing something beautiful.

365 Days

2008-04-18T13:41:00.003-06:00

Day 2 - Unprepared, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

So, there's this group over on Flickr that is devoted to taking one self portrait a day for an entire year. On a whim, I signed up for it.

If I can get 365 semi-decent pictures of myself, I should be able to take pictures of *anything*.

Vibrant life

2008-04-16T23:27:00.003-06:00

Vibrant life, originally uploaded by Jeromie.

This was a near selection for the DCF gallery this Sunday. This was taken at an oil mill in Pendleton - I loved the vibrant greens, even if it is a little bit creepy to see algae thriving less than a block from downtown Pendleton.

As a side note, even though I've been a member of Flickr since beta, this is the first picture I've uploaded to the service. I just got a new program for organizing / processing my photos, and there's a plugin that will upload directly to Flickr, so you can expect to see a lot more. Of course, since they just added the capability for short videos about a week ago, my upload may officially mark the point at which Flickr has jumped the shark. Oh well.

The Fruit of Our Labor

2008-04-13T08:35:00.003-06:00

This is our (Liz and me) entry into the 2008 DCF Film Festival. As always, it could be refined a little if we'd had more time, but I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out.

Dog-gone-it

2008-04-08T11:50:00.003-06:00

There is place across the street from me that offers boarding for dogs. The Rands and the Kalbaughs (our much beloved upstairs neighbors) have come to expect (though not enjoy) the barking of dogs at not-quite-all hours. (I think they usually go inside for the night at around 10:00. And they don't always bark.) But today there is a new element thrown into the mix - one of the dogs is incessantly howling. I have come to this forum to offer a brief, public thanks for headphones.

What a day!

2008-04-05T20:18:00.004-06:00

I ran in the Cooper River Bridge Run in Charleston, SC today. It was my first 10K (my first 5K was last week), and it was a lot of fun. I may write more later about the experience of the run and the time with friends, but for right now I wanted to recount one conversation I had with Michael.

We were heading back to our car after sharing a meal and spending some time wandering around the market in downtown Charleston. Liz stopped in at a very cool yarn shop she spotted near the car, and I was heading up the stairs to join her in the store while everyone else waited around outside as a storm threatened in the distance. As I reached for the door, my ears perked up - I could hear the sounds of a mandolin weaving through the streets. My friends called me back down, and I saw a young man standing on a second story balcony playing the mandolin. It was a pretty fantastic image. The exchange that followed between me and Michael went something like this (details are made up because I can't remember exactly what was said. And it's helpful to know that we'd been talking / joking about Liz opening up a shop of some sort earlier in the day.):

Me: Wow. A yarn store and a guy playing a mandolin on the same corner. What are the chances? Perhaps it means something.

Michael: Yeah. Maybe you aren't supposed to head off to Denver. Maybe this is where you need to be after all. Actually, maybe you need to head off because they've already got a yarn shop and a guy with a mandolin here.

That last statement stuck with me. It embodies what DCF recently talked about in the Living Generously series. We can choose a place to live based on trying to surround ourselves with all the things we like. Or we can choose based on where we can best give away those gifts that God has given us. Plus Michael's second comment just felt right. I'm being called to move on, and it's time to face the music.

Letters to... me

2008-03-25T21:09:00.005-06:00

So, my pastor and good friend Winn Collier wrote a book, Let God: The Transforming Wisdom of François Fénelon. What I didn't realize at first was that he wrote it for me. Well, maybe not just for me. As I've been navigating an all too dark time in my life, I've been surprised at times to find that the feelings I'm going through are not as unique as I would like to think. Words that have been spoken in church and words I have read in print have confirmed that the road I am walking has been trod before. As 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." So there is hope!

The book is made up primarily of a series of letters by François Fénelon, a French Roman Catholic theologian and writer of the late 17th and early 18th centuries, that have been updated by Winn for our modern culture, so the words that stir me have roots that go back over 300 years. It seems like every letter has had words I needed to hear, but one struck at my core. It is titled (by Winn) To a Religious God-resister. This phrase sticks with me, haunts me even: "How can you pray for God's grace when you attach demands that grace can only come if it makes you look good?"

I think this sums up much of struggling of the past few years. I want God to place me in an honest community of believers - as long as I can still hide the parts of myself I don't want anyone to see. I want God to reveal to me my true self - as long as that self is admirable to all those around me. I want God to show me where he wants me to serve - as long as that service lifts me high in the eyes of others. I want to die to my old self - as long as it doesn't hurt. I want the new life God offers - as long as I'm still in control.

It doesn't work like this. I can't have it both ways. I know that in my head. I know that in the deepest parts of my heart. But still I hold on. Why? Sin. Human nature. Whatever the reason, it's not working out so well for me.

Winn's book promises to continue to have words I need to hear. The next two letters are To a Confused Listener and To a Friend Desiring to Know the Future. Pray that I will be able to listen, and accept the grace God offers no matter what package it comes in.

Budget

2008-03-24T16:16:00.004-06:00

So, Liz and I are working on setting up a budget and I downloaded a piece of software called Moneywell to make that process a little easier. It basically facilitates the "envelope method" of budgeting, and does a darn good job at it. A lot of financial software just lets you keep track of where things went, this one actually encourages you to figure out where it's going to go. Anyway, I just built a projected spending plan based on our last month's actual spending (yay for being able to download transactions from our bank!) and some of the categories made me squirm. I'm glad we're looking at this.

Preview

2008-03-24T13:37:00.005-06:00

In order to provide some accountability (and a list I can refer to), here is a brief list of things I have in mind to talk about in this space in the next few days:

My response to the DCF Maundy Thursday service. Especially the words, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" and "Father, into thy hands I commit my spirit."
The encouragement that comes from the commonness of the Christian experience. There's nothing like picking up a book and being convinced that the contents were written to YOU. Also, the awesomeness of my friend Winn Collier and his latest book.
Hobbies versus careers, and how the two can get mixed up.

Actually, I'll tackle that last one right now. As much as I like taking pictures, I've long been hesitant to try to turn photography into a career for fear that I would stop enjoying it. I have no doubt that things are different when you have to get the shot whether you are feeling creative or not. I tend to allow pressure to squeeze the joy from things, and I don't want to let that happen with something that I love.

Somehow I never connected that writing software might be the same situation for me. Some days / weeks / whatever I really like writing software. But trying to sit in front of a computer and churn out code day in and day out can be really discouraging for me. If I change careers, it wouldn't mean I can't write software. It would just mean I wouldn't have to do it every day. I could write software for fun! That would, of course, involve embracing the geeky of myself instead of trying to avoid it for the sake of an image.

Pokémon Jesus

2008-03-06T07:46:00.003-07:00

"Jesus, I choose you!"

That phrase ran through my head this morning as I was getting ready. I was thinking about some of my words from yesterday, and wondering what it meant to choose Jesus today. The phrase reminded me of Pokémon, and that actually provided some good food for thought.

Pokémon, if you don't already know, is a hugely popular video game / card game / television series / lunchbox franchise that involves a bunch of little monsters that do battle with one another. (The most recognizable of these is Pikachu.) "Pokémon trainers" travel around a region and try to collect all of the monsters in that area. If they see one, they can throw a seemingly magical little ball at it and capture it. Later, they can call upon the Pokémon to do battle by throwing down the ball, usually with the catchphrase, ", I choose you!" When the battle is over, the Pokémon goes back into it's ball to await the next time the trainer calls upon it. *

Unfortunately, the similarities between Pokémon and how I treat Jesus extend beyond a catch phrase. Too often, I treat Jesus like a pet that I have mastered. I want to pull him out to fight my battles for me and put him back in his little ball, conveniently out of the way, when I'm done with him. Putting these words down, even if they are true, is painful. It's such an obviously insulting way of treating the Lord of all creation. (Part of me wanted to say "Master of the universe", but I figure there are enough animated references in this post already.)

I do want to choose Jesus. But it's good to remember that the choosing is not on my terms. I can't pull him out when I want and tuck him away when it's inconvenient. Choosing means choosing to submit, choosing to obey, choosing to die, choosing to be born again on His terms. If I'm not making that kind of choice, I'm not really choosing him at all.

* Disclaimer: I've seen, but never played the card game. I've probably played a total of 5 minutes of the video game. I may have seen one episode of the cartoon when I was in college. I DID play a lot of Super Smash Brothers, which has a few Pokémon in it but none of the traditional elements of the show. I don't really know how I know this much about Pokémon, except that Wikipedia helps. Also, I have way too much fun typing accents over letters.

Life, interrupted

2008-03-05T15:49:00.003-07:00

Sometimes life takes unexpected twists and turns, and sometimes it just seem to derail for a while. In the last month I've

been sick,
moved from Greenville to Central,
been on the phone with my dad when he was having a heart attack,
come down to Alabama to help out while he recovers from triple bypass surgery (recovery is going well!),
and seen my wife accepted to seminary (yay!),
which means another move is in the works and I need to figure out what I'm going to do when we get there. (Not unexpected, but still...)

All of this has left me a wee bit more stressed out than normal.

I find myself tempted (and often succumbing to temptation) to just sort of zone out instead of dealing with the stress. It's all too easy to do since I'm in Alabama and apart from the community that normally holds me accountable. That's not to say I've felt completely separated from them. My friends have all been AWESOME about calling or emailing so that I know they care, and Liz came down to visit for a weekend. But I still have way too much time to kill by myself in the evenings.

When it comes down to it, I'm struggling with all the same things I would if I were in South Carolina. I wish those struggles would just end. But Liz reminded me the other day that I have to choose to fight each day. I have to choose Jesus each day. Some days it's hard... I just feel defeated. But I know that's not the reality. I may have to fight these battles, but I don't need to be a slave to them. Because of Jesus, I can have victory.

I think it helps just to proclaim that. To speak truth, even into the ether of the internet, holds some power. Now I just need to live it.

Getting it out

2008-02-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Thanks. I feel better now.

Yes it's long, but it's the outpouring of my soul after the light broke through the clouds that have too long been hovering around it

2008-02-10T21:09:00.001-07:00

Relentless grace. I've written on these words before, but I think it's time for me to revisit them. My life feels as if it has been a series of flights and pursuits - I try to run from God, and He chases me down. He repeatedly makes it very clear that I belong to Him, and He will tirelessly pursue me if I try to escape. He also makes it clear that this is for the best, as I need Him to be happy. He loves me and has my best interest at heart, even if it means breaking me in the short term.

I do not know what sparked my latest run for the hills, but I can tell you what it looked like. There was fear all around. Fear that I will never know God's purpose (or perhaps my purpose, I was after all trying to escape) for my life. A fear that I have screwed up enough times, so God is done with me. That I may still be called His child, but I'll never be allowed to serve Him in a fulfilling way. A fear that all those around me will find their way but I will remain lost, and thus be left behind. A fear that I am pitied among my friends, and thus have no hope for developing a normal, healthy, give and take relationship. A fear that I am, in a word, a failure.

With fear all around me, life sucked. I saw things through a cloud that distorted everything. Instead of being thankful for what I had, I saw only that which I didn't have. Instead of rejoicing with my friends when good things happened to them, I was only jealous and focused on my own inferiority. I was headed down the path of making my own fears come true because that is all I could see. I was withering up and dying inside, and still I didn't want to return to God. I don't know why. It's madness. But some lie that had become embedded in my heart clutched at the cloak of fears around me and refused to let it go.

But my God is a relentless God. He does not give up on those He has claimed as His. And somehow, despite all my fears, I bear His mark. He knows me. He loves me. I have been bought, and I am no longer my own. (That makes me think of Nathan saying that we should "buy things back" for the kingdom of God. That's certainly what God has done with me.)

There were many, many signposts that God was trying to get my attention. I went through a period where almost everything I saw pointed me to Him. But despite seeing these things (and missing many others, I'm sure) I didn't turn. I walked further and further away until I thought I had no hope. But still God found me.

My wonderful wife had many words (and acts) of encouragement to offer me as I descended into darkness, and ignoring her influence on the opening of my heart would be unjust. She valiantly stood as a light in the darkness even while I tried to hide, and her words of life prepared me to receive what God had to say. Who knew He would plant an agent so close to my heart! But the moment that I cracked, that all my stupid self wrought defenses fell, was between God and me alone. It was public - at church this morning - and my wife stood by my side and welcomed me back, but it was God who was speaking to my heart.

I cannot remember the last time I cried as much as I did this morning. I cried when I watched Justin Scott play the piano in the first song. I think I cried at the words to the next one. I audibly gasped and broke into tears when Juli Kalbaugh shared a story from her life. (And I'd already heard the story.) After passing the Peace, I went into the prayer room and just sobbed. I think I made it through the message from Nathan (maybe. It was obviously addressed to me...) and then cried when Miska Collier looked me in the eye and told me that the bread I was taking was the body of Christ, broken for me. And I think I cried a little during our last songs for good measure.

I needed to cry. I'd wanted to cry for days. I felt better afterward. But it wasn't the crying that made me feel better. It was the fact that God caught me. After church this morning, I could look my friends in the eye and tell them what had been going on without fearing pity. I could rejoice in their good news without feeling jealous. I could smile, and laugh, and play without feeling fake. I could come before God without feeling dread.

And God has not stopped speaking to me just because He has caught me. I opened my Bible this evening to the last place I'd left off reading. It was Ephesians chapter 2. In the NIV, the section is titled "Made Alive in Christ", and this is how it reads:

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

This passage speaks to almost all the fears I have been having, and at a time I am ready to receive it. My sin has been covered by the work of Christ, and God comes for me with abundant grace. And He has prepared "good works" for me to do - He has a purpose for me! Do I think the timing of reading this passage is coincidence? No!

So God is speaking to me. He loves me. He offers grace. (This is one offer I'm glad I can't refuse!) Will I still struggle with my fears? I am sure the answer is yes. To one degree or another, I think this fight has been alloted to me for the rest of my life. But I need not fight alone. I have hope of victory. In fact, I am assured victory in the end, because the final battle has already been won. And that makes all the difference.

Awesome

2008-02-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

This is awesome. Immediately after viewing this, I let my dog out into the back yard. It wasn't until after I'd let her out that I realized there was a squirrel on the back porch. Proving once and for all that she is not a terrier, Molly let the squirrel get away unscathed, but the 15 seconds of hilarity as the squirrel madly tried to find the door made me laugh out loud.

The Rolling Exhibition

2008-01-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

I like stories. I like photography. I like photographs that tell stories. Kevin Connolly has one heck of a story to tell. Kevin was born without legs. He gets around just fine, typically preferring a skateboard to a wheelchair. Wherever he goes, though, he attracts a fair degree of attention. People stare. One day, Kevin decided to stare back. With a camera. The picture that resulted was more interesting than he had planned, and it spurred Kevin onto a massive project. He ended up touring 15 countries and taking over 30,000 pictures of people staring. The results said very little about a man with no legs, and a whole lot about humanity. The stares were essentially the same no matter where he went. But the stories that people built were very different. Some assumed he was a war veteran, some saw him as a holy man, other saw a beggar. Our commonality and our cultural differences both emerge from the same collection of photos. An excellent article on Kevin the Christian Science Monitor can be found here. And his gallery can be found here. Check it out.

Final picture

2008-01-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

Here is the final picture from the advent series.

Advent 3

2008-01-17T22:17:00.001-07:00

The overdue third photograph in this series: I'll post the fourth and final image tomorrow.

He said what?!

2008-01-16T19:09:00.000-07:00

This always amuses me. If you know who Phil Keaggy is, it will probably amuse you too: (The album in question is instrumental.)

What have I done?

2008-01-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

I signed up for the 2008 Cooper River Bridge Run, which is a 10K held in Charleston on April 5. And I signed up in the category that says I can do it in less than an hour. Now that's not very fast. And 10K isn't really all that far. But it is farther than I've ever run at once. Plus I have a tendency to get repetitive stress injuries when I try to start running, so the idea of building up to a respectable 10K time in 11 ½ weeks is a little daunting. So, this time I'm going to play it smart. I'm going to do my level best to stick with the program that's in the Beginning Runner's Handbook (which I picked up at a used bookstore some time ago). It's a 13 week program, so I'll have to modify it slightly, but it builds up nice and gradually into a 10K run. It's hard to hold back at the beginning (my lungs, heart, and the majority of my muscle groups are asking me to go faster), but I think that if I plan wisely and stay the course I'll actually be ready for race time. Perhaps there is a metaphor for life in all of this?

Site business

2008-01-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

I have another real post in the works, but these are a couple of quick notes about the site: You should probably update your links to the site to http://www.jeromierand.com. The old address will continue to work for the forseeable future, but this is the "real" address now. I did this for two reasons: One day I hope to have a little more than just the blog here (such as a selection of my favorite photography), and I didn't like the name Kamikaze Christian anymore. By having my blog at jeromierand.com, I can change the title of the blog without worrying about the address being outdated. I'm pretty sure that my name is going to stick with me for a while. For any friends who have done graphic design: I know that Papyrus is overused. I will not leave it in the header image, but I couldn't find anything else right now so I'm running with it. Please don't kill me in my sleep. Do you have any suggestions for fonts that would match the hand drawn style (because I actually did hand draw, scan, and convert to black and white) of the header image?

Oh. Shit.

2008-01-11T23:21:00.000-07:00

Liz and I headed out the door early this morning to take the final picture for the DCF advent series. We went out to Eden Farms for a sunrise shot. On the way back, I stopped to take a few extra photos. Even with the presence of the power lines (maybe because of them), I like this shot: When we were reviewing them at home, Liz informed me that the big pile of dirt underneath the tower in the center is not, in fact, dirt. It's where Eden Farms dumps the excess manure that can't be used for fertilizer. Oh. Shit.

Books I'm Reading

2007-12-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

One of the books I brought home from the library the other day was The Violin Maker by John Marchese. I finished reading it a couple days ago, and it was an awesome book. It followed the creation of a fiddle by one of the foremost luthiers in the world from commission to completion. (And a bit beyond, as it described how the musician it was built for took to the instrument. He already owned a Stradivari, so there was stiff competition.) There were a number of fascinating tangents into interesting aspect of the violin creating world; there is more in that world than I could have imagined. For a guy like me, who is fascinated by psychology, music, and craftsmanship, I couldn't have picked a better book. On a completely unrelated note, I got my MacBook back from Apple warranty service, and the keyboard is much better. Hooray!

Things I should be doing more often

2007-12-12T18:17:00.000-07:00

There are some things that, given the joy I experience when I do them, I simply don't do often enough. Take hiking, for instance. Whenever I'm outside walking in the woods, I feel a sense of peace and belonging. It also usually makes me want to respond to God with worship. But for all the good it does my soul, I'm more likely to spend the weekend sitting around the house. Another one of these things, and the reason I'm making this post, is going to the library. I always forget the sheer joy I feel at being surrounded by thousands of books, any of which I am free to take home. It's exhilarating. I'm at the library right now, and I must say I'm pretty happy with my take.

1 fantasy novel (by the author who is slated to finish Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series)
1 non-fiction book about a master violin maker (It interests me every time I go to visit Liz at The Open Book, but I've not been willing to spend the money on it.)
2 books of mandolin music / technique (The only two the library has, sadly. They won't provide a bountiful source for this particular interest.)
1 book of Rembrandt's art (Besides being ridiculously awesome artists, the great master painters can provide inspiration on the use of light that translates to photography.)
2 books of photography (Looking at the selection they have is ridiculously exciting, because these books are expensive to buy.)

What things should you be doing more often?

Continuing the Journey

2007-12-12T14:36:00.000-07:00

This is the second picture I took for the Advent series at DCF. As with the first picture, post processing was done by Erin Scott. She's awesome!

New Title

2007-12-05T11:09:00.001-07:00

I've changed the title (though not the address) of my blog to more accurately reflect my heart right now. Plus I think the name is cooler. The new title, Whistling in the Dark, comes from title of a book Liz gifted me with a couple days ago. Here is what Frederick Beuchner had to say about it in the introduction:

I think of faith as a kind of whistling in the dark because, in much the same way, it helps to give us courage and to hold the shadows at bay. To whistle in the dark isn't to pretend that the dark doesn't sometimes scare the living daylights out of us. Instead, I think, it's to demonstrate, if only to ourselves, that not even the dark can quite overcome our trust in the ultimate triumph of the Living Light. Hence the title. -Frederick Buechner

A Picture of My Week

2007-12-02T14:51:00.001-07:00

Last week, while we were taking the pictures in Anderson for a DCA Advent series, we accidentally happened to be downtown during a big biker rally. We were down off of the main street when we started hearing motorcycles go by. And they kept going by. When we walked out to the main street, there were bikes filling the street as far as we could see in either direction. A lot of them had toys on their bikes or were throwing out candy, so I'm guessing it was some sort of charity event. I pulled my camera out and got a few pictures.

This one captures the feel of the event best: And this one is my favorite from a purely aesthetic standpoint:

(There were a few old cars participating in the rally/parade after the bikes. Also a bunch of four wheelers in a group and one moped mixed in with the motorcycles. I wish I'd caught that guy with my camera.)

This morning we displayed the result of that photo excursion at church:

It's the first of a series, so it's meant to evoke a sense of anticipation rather than standing on its own. I really hope the series as a whole works out. Liz and I got to watch the Collier boys Friday night so Winn and Miska could have the night away. One of the boys favorite things to do was play with the instruments Liz and I brought, along with a few they already had at the house.

Liz had to go to work Saturday, so it was just me and the boys for a while. We played in their room, went to a birthday party (where someone asked if I could be hired for parties), and just generally had a lot of fun.

The only downside of this week is that I'm kind of sick (I hope I didn't give it to the boys!). But the virus will go away soon. The memories will last.

Seasons in my life

2007-11-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

I can't find the words to describe what is going on in my heart right now. Something good. Something is waking up inside of me. I think perhaps the something might be hope.

Evidence:

A renewed hunger to know God.
A good conversation over coffee with my wife.
I cry at the happy, hopeful parts of the story of L'Abri. (which is amazing, by the way.)
My creative desires are re-awakening.
I want... something.
I'm looking forward to finding what the future holds.

For Ed

2007-11-04T21:05:00.000-07:00

Ed, I look forward to seeing what God does with this next stage in your life. May the peace of Christ follow you wherever you go.

You can consider this my entry for contest purposes. :-)

Today

2007-11-01T22:00:00.000-06:00

Today I finished one book and started another.

Today I had a good conversation with a friend I have not talked to in a long time.

Today I ate delicious pumpkin stew for dinner.

Today I finished a task I set out to do for work.

Today I kissed my wife.

Today I took a break from work and lay outside in the grass.

Today is gone, never to come again.

Promised pictures

2007-11-01T00:05:00.000-06:00

This is a group shot of all the pumpkins we carved at house church, with Bert shining front and center:

Taken that same night, I caught Corey dreaming that he was a rock star:

I took a walk into the part of the neighborhood I hadn't been to before, and ran into these guys. There's nothing particularly artistic about this one, but the expression is priceless:

I also ran across this wagon on my walk. I really like it:

Out of all the pumpkin pictures I took (there were a number I liked but didn't post), this one is my favorite. Fun trivia: it was about 4:30 in the afternoon and rather sunny when I took this, and my flash is inside the pumpkin.